Songs for Survival and Grey Days

A friend of mine is going through a break-up of an engagement, and she is spinning out of control trying to figure out what to do with her life without this man who was such a part of it suddenly changing their relationship status with her. She was also already going through hell trying to figure out if the major she chose in school was the right one for her, what she should do after she graduates, and a whole plethora of issues that face a young girl of twenty-three, I believe she is. With or without a relationship, this is a tumultuous time in one’s life, for this is where we are formed into the people we become later in what the twenty-somethings would call “old age.”

My friend has a note on her Facebook page detailing the struggle she is going through now, outlining why her status message has her listed as “crying,” or the current one, “‘She’ is crying, confused and laughing hysterically . . . yes my brain just cracked . . .” I admire her for being so open and honest and letting people know what is going on and I am thrilled by the support system she has around her with some great advice, even beyond the usual and much-needed offers of a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to (even until 4 am on the phone!) or just to hang out with:

(By the way, I did not write any of this below in italics, but I believe this friend of hers deserves more “air-time” than just in the Facebook message, for she is very well-thought and says so much that I wish I had said to our mutual mourning friend. There are more people than our friend who need to hear this–I hope she doesn’t mind my sharing! I will add her name if she wants recognition later, but for now, just identify her as “Someone Smarter Than Most In a Crisis”!)

Hey “Friend”, I’m sorry to hear about the bad news. Remember, you don’t have to know what your going to do with your life right now (with or without him). You have a lot of people who will be there for you in your life and who support you through thick and thin. Remember that!

As for my opinion as to what you should do: Finish college, no matter how depressed you maybe your nearly done. To abandon college now would be disastrous and irrational. Finish college, get your degree.

Second of all: Your free now! Yes you heard it-your free. You are not obligated to be with anyone, check in with him every evening or even worry about planning a wedding. Just tell yourself that your free to do a lot of things. You have your whole life before you, not getting married isn’t the end of the world-look at it as a new beginning. The best revenge is living well. Do it!

Third of all: Get a makeover! Go get a haircut (really you should do it, for yourself. Screw the need for long locks, I mean I’m getting a new do soon!) Buy new clothes! Go out to a hip bar with friends! Make a chocolate cake-for yourself or eat expensive chocolate! Just have fun, your a great person and show the world that you are a great person. Don’t worry the world will love you back!

There is life after a breakup. Mourn, get your pain and tears out of your system and eventually you’ll move on but do it on your own time. Perhaps I’ve been through my fair share of breakups but this is what I do after something like that happens. Just keep in touch, I’ll always be here for you.

So beautiful and insightful, I wish I could have been organized to write that myself! This is what I did post yes, this time the words in italics are mine . . .):

Do I have anything to add that I haven’t already said or that others supporting you have said? How about:

NO–don’t drop out! Bad, bad, bad idea! I may have flunked out, but I can attest to what a lousy life one leads without direction!

YES–do a makeover! Have some fun! Play with a new image! Don’t go as short as me, cause you’ll hate it, but play, play, play! You are a new woman in creation and cutting off your locks and changing the image you see in the mirror will help you immensely!

You were with me when I got my tongue pierced, and it was a pivotal moment in my life for it may have been a silly thing, but it helped free me from the image of “eternal mommy and wife” and let me be free to cut loose and be an undergrad again, despite my age!

Take a friend with you for the makeover, if you need to, but I think it is wonderful advice! Changing from what is in the profile picture today–probably a picture you relate to your time with your ex to a new you can work!

I’m looking at the advice about makeovers, and I was thinking that this is all about superficial appearance, but no–this is about an expression of a new attitude on the inside. Let this time help you to grow into what your roommate was describing above: a woman who has completed college, has a purpose in life, and is not obligated to an obsession about paying for/planning a wedding or making someone else happy. I’ve always been concerned about your engagement because of your age (I was engaged twice before marrying the third ten years ago) but I knew you loved him and I didn’t want to push, knowing you had to find out for yourself–no amount of my or other sharing our past screw-ups could have helped you learn what you know now. I shudder to think of some of the men in my past, that I was intimate with them or so obsessed with them that I thought myself worthless because they rejected me, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it were not for the pitfalls that forced me to grow up!

My most stringent advice was in a private message where I strongly encouraged mental health counseling because she is just going through so much with the break-up, career issues, family health problems and just growing up and “finding herself” issues–especially since she mentioned in her note that she was considering turning to drink to drown her sorrows and even possibly not returning to school. I am the adult child of an alcoholic who has been sober since I was in high school, so after seeing what my father has suffered in his life (and most of the males in the generations before him, for this is indeed a genetic disposition I must fight) I am aware of what can happen when one starts that path from “just a few drinks to make me forget today,” to “all that matters is my next drink, because I cannot cope without it.” My father’s example and my parent’s divorce right before he admitted he was an alcoholic manages to stop me from falling into that trap–that and a brief sojourn into alcoholic aided avoidance of real life and trying to fit in with the boys that I worked with in a factory, around the age this girl is at now, have given me the strength I need to avoid what she is afraid of now. (The same example of seeing my parents smoke for years, and the health problems my dad suffers even though he quit when he got sober, and the money my mother continues to shell out for this addiction has stopped me from ever smoking.)

It’s kind of funny, though, for after I posted all this stuff on her page I saw that the fortune cookie applications I had set up on my profile display the following messages:

“It is much wiser to take advice than to give it.”

“Sometimes it’s good to be alone.”

These messages were selected to be directed to myself as a reminder to help me through this hell of three papers, a journal and some other odd assignments I can’t think of at the moment, and to help me weather this storm of necessary “alone time” to recharge enough to get through the flurry of the end of the semester.

The most poignant message, though, which I should put in flashing letters, is “It is much wiser to take advice than to give it.” And so I remember the post I wrote awhile back, “Adjusting Priorities and Avoiding Distractions,” and I realize I have spent over two hours on this “therapy” session that I should have spent writing an essay that was due last Friday already. While I want to finish this entry, for I do feel led to write this for a higher purpose than just to avoid writing about a topic I can’t get into, I must get back to my work as soon as I have completed my thought patterns.

And now I get to the culmination of my diatribe and share why I started this post in the first place: as a place to highlight the lyrics for two songs that often helped me out and perked up my mood when I was going through my own private hell and often played these songs when I was still a on-air host at the campus radio station. (I am starting to think that I need to get back into it, for I am going through massive withdrawal, for music is more in my blood than I knew before!)

As I posted on her message page, to complete my responses of advice, leaning on the words of masters who know better than I about love, loss, loneliness and survival:

If I still had a radio show, this is what I would dedicate to you:

I Will Survive Lyrics
» Gloria Gaynor

 

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you’re back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you’d be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I’d crumble
you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I’m saving all my loving
for someone who’s loving me

 

Note: Lyrics are copyrighted by the original artists, writers and publishers

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This song is kind of cliche’, but it is referred to so often because it has heart, purpose and the song is an inspiration no matter what your troubles are!

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Or this song, which I just posted to my profile because this is my signature “get out of a funk” song!

Touch of Grey by the Grateful Dead

Must be getting early, clocks are running late.
Paint my love a morning sky, its all cold.
Dawn is breaking everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains I dont care, but its all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I see youve got your list out, say your piece and kiss off.
Guess I get the gist of it, but its all right
Oh well anyway, sorry that you feel that way.
Every silver linings got a touch of grey
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Its a lesson to me, the ablers and the beggars and the thieves
The abcs we all think of, try to win a little love.

I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years
Its even worse than it appears, but its all right

Cow is giving kerosene, kid cant read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene, but its all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Shoe is on the hand that fits, thats all there really is to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit, but its all right

Oh well a touch of grey, kinda suits you anyway,
Thats all I had to say, but its all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Its a lesson to me, the devils and the east and the free
The abcs we all must face, try to save a little grace.

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Yes, I do find a lot of wisdom in our music history . . . so many people before us who loved, got hurt, and found the strength to move on and become the better for it!

 

—————————————————————-end of Facebook postings

 

Do you want a bonus, before I run off to take a shower before my son comes home? I wrote one song in my life, and it was kind of like Elvis and “Teddy Bear” where I believe he strums an acoustic guitar and uses spoken word (am I correct here? I don’t know where my husband’s CD is to check . . .)

Uh–I went to YouTube to check this out, and got distracted for the past hour or more. Duoh!!!! No, it isn’t “Teddy Bear” I am thinking about, apparently, but anyway, I wrote a song that talks about stuff that I would love in a relationship, like “Walks in the park, hand in hand in the rain, candle-light dinners for two . . .” and other sweet mush, but then I go into the chorus that I feel is important here, and something that belongs with this post even though I am wary about sharing my own poetry or song-writing:

I know you must think I’m out of my mind,

But there’s just one thing that I know . . .

It’s time for me, time for me, to be out on my own . . .

Yes, just me, yes just me, and my God . . .

(I even have the tune for it, but do not know how to write music.)

Sometimes it is best to be alone with your higher power to figure out who you are before you are joined to someone else, so you are the best you can be as a whole person in that relationship.

And my son has been home an hour now, and I still need a shower and to get him to do his homework or whatever my husband will ask if I have done before he gets home . . . lol–joint parenting is so much fun sometimes! “Did you do this?” “No, I thought you did.” Aaargh!

 

 

 

~ by maralorelei on November 20, 2007.