“I just really want to apologize to a lot of people in this room…
…and a lot of people who aren’t in this room, um…
…for my actions.  

I’m on medication now… 
…so I’m seeing things
a lot more clearly.  
And I just really want to…
 
I realize I hurt a lot of people,
and so I want to say:
 
I’m so, so, so sorry.
I greatly apologize…
…and accept responsibility
for my actions.
 
That’s it.

Thank you.”

Matt Damon in “The Informant”

These words really struck me tonight as I watched Matt Damon play a far-out in left-field CEO of a company who turned informant, possibly as a result of bipolar disorder.  While I did not set my company up by working with the FBI to convict them of price-fixing or embezzle eleven-and-a-half million dollars, I had some strange behaviors during the time I was unmedicated for my own bipolar disorder that I feel I must atone for. 

For example?  Not being a good daughter or sister by not calling home enough, and by being uncomfortable and snippish when I did have contact.  I allowed a huge wall to grow between me and my family behind which I hid the tormented soul I was, crying so much and not being able to find any assistance from the anti-depressants I took to stifle the agony and frustration that I thought was just due to the fibromyalgia that I am also “blessed” with.  I’ll be honest and admit that when I saw “Cindy Smith” on my cell phone list, I had a moment of “who the hell is that?” before it dawned on me that was my sister’s married name, and I really had not had much contact with her since we had both gotten married and I moved away, leaving me realizing I did not know who my baby sister was as a person any more, and that I was no longer the person she thought she knew from long ago.  My mother tried to reach out to me but I let the stress of school be used as an excuse for not keeping in touch with her, and my father–well, he has had his own emotional problems, so he’s the one who understands me the best, even though he is like me and does not keep in touch that much.  He has his own demons and he knows what I suffer, but that is still not an excuse for me to shield myself from him and stay distant.  Changes must be made now that I am medicated and better able to open up and love again …

But still, speaking of the sins of the past I must atone for … How about not being the best mommy in the world because I allowed myself to be consumed by trying to get my two college-degrees?  I did try, really I did, but the mood-swings made each day go so hard.  I love my son–always have–but there were times when it was all I could do to get him up in the morning and onto the bus for school.  Motherhood was not a role that I took to easily or naturally, and the illnesses I had–especially the fibromyalgia that came after the birth–made me an angry mother, one who was frustrated at having to take care of another being when I no longer had the ability to take care of myself in a proper manner.  What stress!  The bond has always been there between us, and when I came close to losing him in a school-bus accident I grew to realize how much I truly did love my son and how much I was blessed to be his mother, even if it was hard to physically care for him at times.   This is something I have written about before and will in depth later, for this turning-point was a major step for me and sealed the bond between myself and my son and made us the cuddlesome duo we are today, but manic-depression and especially fibromyalgia have wreaked havoc on my mothering abilities.

And then there is the role of wife that I play in this world, a role that comes as unnaturally to me as motherhood did, too.  I try, but the twin illnesses that plague me leave me little time and patience sometime to cope with having a partner, for sometimes after being a mother all I’m up to is curling up in a little ball and taking a nap, not being a supportive wife of a wonderfully devoted husband … and an especially understanding one, too.  He’s not happy with the messy house, but he understands that I am truly trying my best and he works hard to support us both, even though that is near impossible in this economy to survive on only one wage while I hope and pray I end up with a paying job before the year is out.  He helps out with our son and takes him along to his mother’s house to give mommy some “alone” time to rest and recharge and find her way through homework or housework.

And to conclude this apology fiesta, I apologize for rambling so much, but there has been such a lapse in my life for the past decade while the manic-depression was untreated and now that I am medicated I am sad about all the time I wasted when I was in denial of my problem.  At least that time is over now, and like the character from the film, I am medicated now and hopeful of a brighter future.

Adieu for now!

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